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Outrage! New TSA Anal Probe Screening

If you’re planning on flying anytime soon, be prepared for an all new experience as TSA beefs up security once again at checkpoints around the nation’s airports.

According to our sources, TSA has recently begun testing procedures for adding random “Anal-probe Security Screenings” (or A.S.S) to the lineup.

Serious questions about personal privacy and civil rights have been raised recently due to new security requirements and forces us to ask ourselves how far we are willing to let things go to protect our freedom.

The new anal-probe requirement couldn’t have come at a worse time. It is being implemented just a few short weeks after widespread complaints and heated debates over intrusive pat downs and nude body scans. If you already thought that airport security was getting out of hand, the latest security measures being implemented will make it officially out of hand (and that hand may reach it’s way to an area you don’t approve of).

So by now you may be asking yourself what exactly an “Anal-probe Security Screening” entails. We caught up with Charles Wuffington, vice-president of the Transportation Safety Administration

According to Wuffington, “We understand the concerns people may have regarding the new procedure, but the process is barely even noticeable. If you happen to be randomly selected for the A.S.S. screening, you will be politely and discretely asked to step aside for further instruction. From there, you’ll be asked to slowly disrobe, bend over, and perhaps even cough once or twice (that’s completely optional, but can speed up the process considerably). Next, a specially trained agent will carefully and courteously carry out the anal probing procedure. It typically will only take around 30 seconds to determine whether or not contraband is being stowed. We realize that this is a sensitive matter for most people, and we will be offering nothing but the most professional, courteous, and efficient anti-terrorism prevention, and we believe that it will leave you completely speechless but for a few simple words: Proud-To-Be-American.”

redneck patriot

Willie Stroker, leader of the Free United Coalition of Knowledgeable Americans

Some patriotic Americans across the nation (as opposed to those who hate freedom and love the fact that terrorists attack us) are embracing this new security measure. We interviewed the leader of the Free United Coalition of Knowledgeable Americans (or F.U.C.K. Americans) and he had this to say regarding the issue of Anal-probe Security Screenings – “Let me tell ya somethin. These damn liberals can’t see past there own noses. They don’t understand what’s at stake here. Let me tell ya somethin, it all comes down to one thing and one thing only. Freedom. Plain & simple. If you don’t like America enough to have what it takes to rear your end and do your part to protect our freedom, well you can just get out!!”

The reason for this latest increase in security is still unclear, but the latest news from TheOnion.com seems to indicate that there is clear and concise evidence for the presence of “Decoy Muslims” that have been infiltrating our country for years in this news clip. As journalists, we try to stay as neutral as possible, but when well researched evidence such as this comes along, we must reveal it to the public. Since we are so unbiased, we’ll let you decide.

Since our interview with Mr. Wufington, all communication attempts with the TSA have been mysteriously cut off. We suspect that they very busy testing the latest anal probe paraphernalia to best protect us from trrrists.

About Paul

Hi, my name is Paul, and I work in a button factory. I've got a wife and two kids. Then one day my boss came to me and said "Are you busy Paul??" I said "NO." "So push this button with your left hand." So I did. And the process repeated itself over and over until all my body parts were pushing buttons. It was completely ridiculous...so I quit!

One comment

  1. Professorphloophendoodle

    The analogies are quite ironic.

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