Throughout the history of mankind there have been many monumental breakthroughs have forever changed our way of life. The advent of fire, the wheel, electricity, power tools, polka music, ebonics, green beer, the love toilet, and lunar panels have all drastically changed our way of life. Unfortunately, when it comes to automobiles, major breakthroughs have been far and in between.
With fears of global warming looming in the past decade, the undeniable possibility of being engulfed in a wrath of blazing fire at any moment has become a stark reality for all of us. But that fear is beginning to wean as a new revolutionary automobile enters the market. A car that runs entirely on human tears. You read that correctly. Human tears.
After accidentally stumbling upon a unique and bizarre procedure that allowed human tears to harness energy, Dr. Stinky McDougal quickly patented the discovery and formed his company, Tears of Joy, Inc. Tears of Joy, still in it’s infancy, has been working around the clock since the discovery trying to figure out how to harness the tear and apply it to its fullest potential.
At this point you may be asking yourself how practical it will be to drive a car fueled by human tears. How many tears will it take to get from point A to point B? Is it safe for the environment? How much will the tears cost? And of course, where will the mass quantity of tears needed to power a world full of cars come from?
We interviewed founder Stinky McDougal to get some questions answered. “Through our thorough testing and optimization, we have developed a very efficient process in deriving tears that will power us into the new revolution of tear-based fuel”, says McDougal. “Firstly, in order to produce tears on a magnitude of this proportion, we must look past our emotional instincts, predispositions, and sensitivities towards the act of crying and start embracing it, andlooking towards the future instead.”
McDougal adds, “Throughout history, we’ve come to look at tears in a negative light. Anguish, fear, grief, sadness, horror, death, loneliness. These are all words that conjure up negative feelings. In my opinion, that merely represents a lack of vision. In order to reach the next evolutionary step in humanity, we must truly embrace the tear and see it in a positive light to move forward as a species”
That being said, obviously the next step find subjects who are most likely to cry consistently. We’ve begun studying emotional triggers in subjects such as babies, spoiled children, Glenn Beck, and other others. Every tear contributor will take an in depth psychological survey which is then analyzed to identify the most efficient way to trigger a crying outburst. We are still experimenting in this area and thinking outside the box to produce maximum tear flow and are making vast progress everyday. Throughout the psychological testing a teardrop collection device is attached to the subject’s eyes from the very start so that no tear is wasted!”
This new form of free energy could be a real game changer for our fuel systems, not to mention a slap in the face to big oil companies. It will definitely be shaking things up economy-wise. In fact, it’s been speculated that the tear may even replace the dollar as our currency if the technology proves successful over the long-term. The technology is still in the experimental stages, but things are looking promising so far.
We’ll keep you updated with all the latest news & breakthroughs in tear technology right here on TheSuitIsNotBlack.com